2012...

So many ambitions for the new year!  At the moment I'm really excited about all the projects and plans I've got lined up.  Now to see if the follow-through is as exuberant...

Plan 1:  Marry a very wealthy man (who happens to be incredibly good looking!)
Plan 2:  Become a best selling author.
Plan 3: Be the ultimate trophy wife...

Whoops!!!  Those were the dreams I had last night!


Okay, here's the actual list of goals for 2012:

1. Take photography classes.
2. Take on more DIY projects, and participate in more craft shows.
3. Learn to cook.  Really cook.  I've got baking down pat...  Cooking might take a little extra work.
4. Save, save, save that money!!!  (I'm not sure exactly what I'm saving for, but I'm sure it's something really important!  Maybe that trip to Europe I've been daydreaming about!)

That about sums it up...  I'll keep you posted!!!

Recently...

I'm a terrible blogger!  Actually, I think you're supposed to blog more than 5 or 6 times a year to be considered a "blogger."  I just dabble at blogging  :)

So, my life recently, in a nutshell...

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.  :)  I've been decorating, picture-taking, planning...  But not gift shopping.  Thus far, I've bought one and two halves gifts.  (and by two halves, I mean that I've bought partial presents for two people.)  I'm anticipating a massive shopping effort one day in the next few weeks.

However, the one gift that I purchased was a doozy- my sister is going to be blown away when she opens it!  So I'm pretty sure that counts for something.

God is doing a real work in my life.  He's revealing a lot of selfishness....  Something I'll struggle with until I die, apparently.  I'm learning the value of other people, and doing my best to love them as I'd love myself...

I ordered a new guitar last week!  I'm pretty sure my dreams of becoming a rock star are underway.  Hehe.

I had some wonderful people blow me away with a very special gift yesterday.  It was unexpected, I didn't feel that I deserved it, but it came to me at a perfect time and I'm so very grateful!  God used them to meet a need for me!

Finally, a few pictures to get us in the Christmas mood.  I've been borrowing lots of babies lately- luckily, I've always got people who are willing to lend me their kids to practice on!

My sweet little niece!  Can't believe she's growing up so quickly on me!!!

My OTHER sweet little "niece".  She's such a diva  :)

And yet another "niece".  She was a little ham for the camera- and the camera obviously loves her  :)

Guard your heart...

Carefully.  Diligently.  Obsessively.  Guard your heart.

My Savior is my true love.  I'm enamored with him.  Jesus is my fairy tale- and that is not a trite saying for me..  He truly is the prince of my heart.  I'm committed to loving him, to knowing him, to serving and pleasing Him in all that I say and do.  Not out of routine or duty, but out of a loving heart that vehemently desires to bring joy to the One I love.

And that means guarding my heart against other fascinations.

I'm easily distracted.  Anyone who knows me can tell you that.  I lose focus easily and I forget half of what I knew.  I lose sight of the task at hand and frequently leave projects half-finished, usually because something else has captured my attention.  I fear this habit creeping into my relationship with Christ.

Psalm 19:14  "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, Oh Lord, my rock and my redeemer."
Proverbs 4:23  "Above all else, guard your heart.  For everything you do flows from it."

I have been praying for a greater awareness of what my heart is absorbing.  What am I focusing on- is it beautiful and acceptable to the Lord?  What am I pursuing- is it a goal that God has set before me?  What do I love- does God love it as well?  And finally, is what I'm speaking into the lives of others bringing refreshing and breathing new life?  Because "out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." 

*Note:  What is truly in my heart will be evidenced by my words.  Negativity, anger, frustration, gossip...  these will all flow out of a heart that is not carefully guarded against such things. But a heart full of life will in turn breath life and encouragement.

So...  Lately I've been working on protecting my heart against false loves and false emotions.  I don't want to trade in my sparkling robes worn by the Bride of Christ for the fake glitter and glitz of this world.  I want my heart to be completely His and completely set apart for Him.  What a joy to be His beloved!

My love affair with God...

Sometimes I misinterpret the love of God.  I assume that God's love is like my own.  My love depends on my circumstances, my mood, or my understanding of the other person.  My love is rarely- if ever- entirely selfless.  My love has conditions.  My love puts up barriers and dares others to cross them.  My love is occasionally withheld and used as a bargaining chip.

I assume that God's love is much like mine- and the love of others that I've experienced.  I bring Him to a human level because I can understand human love.  I understand love that wounds, withholds, manipulates, and errs.  I understand love that fails in spite of good intentions...  However, I don't understand the love of God because it does none of those things.

I must admit that the past few months have been a horribly dry season in my spiritual life.  It has not been a bountiful season.  I've been praying, but feel as though I am gaining no ground.  I've been searching the word, but receiving no revelation.  I've been struggling with doubt, fears, and frustration with a God whose ways I adore, but do not understand.  And because human love fails, my first instinct is to assume God's love has failed as well.  I question His choices.  I question His sovereignty.  I question His love and provision.  The faith that I claim flies out the window as I begin to wonder if God is really even paying attention...

However, I believe that God uses these seasons to cultivate faith, commitment, and a quiet sense of trust.  I cannot always have the answers.  I cannot always know the mind and will of God.  I must learn to rest in His arms as He carries me.  I MUST learn to trust that He is working on my behalf, even when I struggle to hear His voice.  I must stop reacting to my feelings and emotions, and learn that perfect love (God's love) casts out fear- I need never worry that His heart is not inclined toward me.  I am safe as long as I am His...  What a perfectly comforting thought!



And on a completely random note:  I have been taking pictures GALORE lately.  Most recent:  Miss Faarah's one year pictures!!!  She's such a sweetie!  Have a look-see at a few of my favorites!



 
 
 
 

A Proverbs 31 Kinda Gal...

Proverbs 31 intimidates me. 
I love this chapter and I refer back to it over and over again because I want to be an example of what a Proverbs 31 woman should look like.  But my-oh-my, I still have a long way to go!

Sewing?  Yep.  I can sew.
Cooking.  I make a mean blueberry pie and I'm not bad with frozen pizza.
Cleaning...  Well, it just kind of depends on the week.
Rising early???  Yikes.

But what strikes me about Proverbs 31 is it's consistent emphasis on CHARACTER.
... She works with willing hands.
... She opens her hands to the poor and reaches her hands out to the needy. (vs 20)
... Strength and dignity are her clothing. (vs 25)
... She opens her mouth with wisdom.  (vs. 26)
... She does not eat the bread of idleness (vs 27)

Something else that really struck me the other day:  "The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.  She does him good and not harm all the days of her life."  (vs. 11 & 12, italics mine).

All the days of my life.  That does not mean that when I get married these character traits should become more evident.  That means that those character traits should become evident NOW because the habits that I'm cultivating as a single woman will someday define my marriage.

Am I pouring my heart into the ministry to help those that are not only poor physically, but poor spiritually as well?  Am I consistent in housecleaning?  Do I make wise financial decisions?  Do I renounce idleness and work to be industrious at every opportunity?  Do I guard my heart against relationships that are unwholesome?  Do I easily submit to leadership so that I might submit to my husband?  Do I pray over my future husband and children?

Fact:  God doesn't expect me to be superwoman.  He does, however, expect me to grow daily in Godly character- He's given me all the resources for it.  And as I grow in Godly character, and strive to look more like Him, I'm going to start looking like a Proverbs 31 woman as well.

"Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain.  But a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised"
Proverbs 31:30

More on my latest love....

Fact:  I have not regretted my decision to splurge on my new camera for a second.

Finished editing Makayla's wedding pictures.  Finally!  I had a blast doing these photos- even though I bloodied myself in the process- don't ask.  Sometimes I think I'm a little too intense.
A few favorites from the day...

Picnic theme = favorite!  I found that darling picnic basket on sale at Hobby Lobby for more than 80% off- did I snatch it up?  You betcha!

*Note: every time I say picnic basket, I flashback about 20 years to sitting in my parents living room, watching Yogi Bear, eating cereal in my pajamas...  Those were the days!



Favorite of the day:  hands down!  No editing required.  I love it when the sun does all the work and I get to take all the credit!

On My Heart...

I live in a land saturated with greed.  I'm surrounded by greedy people.  I am a greedy person.

I'm conditioned to my environment.  I have a house, a car, 3 closets full of clothes (it pains me to admit that), a tv, a blender that I never use...  I'm well fed, I have air conditioning, and I love being spoiled.  I will spend five dollars on a cup of gourmet coffee and occasionally... frequently... I indulge in things that I absolutely do not need for a few moments of self-gratification.  My smelly, spoiled, fleabitten dog eats better, and more frequently, than a large percent of the world's population.

Lately, I've been listening to men of God speak on the importance of missions and my soul is stirred.  I keep looking at the life that I've been living, and the preparations I've been making for the rest of my time here on earth.  In light of eternity they seem so...  lame?

In eighty years I will be dead.  It's a fact.  I don't mind the idea of dying, really.  The idea of trading in this life for a glorious eternity is actually comforting and joyful.  But I fear standing before a beautiful, perfect, Holy God who gave so much for me, and admitting that I really gave nothing of myself for Him in return.

I dedicate my time to my local church body.  I love them.  We grow together.  We shoulder each others burdens.  But is that really sacrificing my life?  What am I really giving up?

On and off for the past year I've been completely enamored with the idea of missions.  I love the idea of quitting my job, renting out my house, shoving all of my "stuff" in storage, and traipsing halfway around the globe to go beyond my world of "self" and to serve others because I love them more than I love my own life- like Jesus did.  I'm not sure that dropping my life and becoming a missionary is God's plan for me.  I'm not sure that it's not.  But either way the question remains:  what in this world am I loving more than I love God?

At present, I'm working at a bank.  I'm studying business.  I enjoy both my work and my studies.  Yet I know in my heart that these areas are not where God is calling me.  They stir no true passion inside of my soul.  My desire has never been to climb a corporate ladder.  God has not called me to that.  Therefore, at present, I am really struggling with the idea of allowing myself to continue my education, submerging myself over ten thousand dollars in debt to finish a degree that I have no desire to use.  I honestly could care less if I even earn a degree...  And I'm pretty sure that God won't deny me entrance into heaven if I don't have a diploma in hand at the pearly gates.

A few things that he might, however, deny me entrance for???
- Selfishness
- Greed.
- Laziness.

American mentality:  Study hard.  Get  a degree. Get a good job.  Earn a comfortable living.  Go to a comfortable church and live a comfortable life.

Don't get me wrong.  I respect and love many people who have degrees, good jobs, and comfortable lives.  However, my desire is much different- and I feel God bending my heart more daily in this way:  I want to love people until it hurts.  I want to pour myself out until I have nothing left to give.  I want to be so much in love with my Savior that this world and it's trophies fade away.  I want nothing more than to love people extravagantly, and to love them simply because I love my Savior and I believe it will please Him for me to give love in the same manner that He has lavished it upon me.

That's it.  Those are my thoughts for the day.

"He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose"
-Jim Elliot

My new romance....

I am in love with photography.

I know, I know.  I find a new love every few months (usually with a tendency toward the creative and crafty).  But this is different.  This is no summer fling.  This is a slow romance that could turn into a long-term relationship.

The fact that I bought a new camera could also be fueling my adoration at the moment...

So, to celebrate my newfound love, a few snapshots from the past week.

I firmly believe that my neice is the most beautiful little girl in the world.

I buy her snow cones.  At the moment, the "Barbie" is our favorite flavor.  It just sounds fun and girly, doesn't it???

My mom is totally on board with my new photography craze...  She is crocheting photo props for me as we speak...  This is the frog hat she made for me.  Newborn pictures, anyone???

Next on the list:  A ladybug hat.  I'm going to make a red tutu with black polka dots to match it.  I'm such a lucky girl to have lots of friends who are willing to volunteer their babies to let me practice  :)

And on Suday, I will be doing bridal photos for my old roommate, Makayla.  Poor girl is feeling brave enough to let me experiment on her and her groom.  More photos coming soon!  (I know- you're totally excited, right???)

Love, Beauty, Selfishness, and Other Random Ramblings.

I have a hard time not being selfish.

It comes so naturally to me.  I know it is innate.  I know that I will struggle with loving myself too much for the rest of my life.  And I've come to realize recently that I struggle to love God more than I love myself.

I guess If I were being perfectly honest, I would even admit that a great deal of my Christian ministries are coupled with selfishness.  Or done because they come easy to me.  Worship is something I love to do.  But it comes easily to me.  There is something sweet and precious about drawing close to the heart of God.  But music and singing songs to God are easy for me to do...  There really isn't much of a challenge behind it.  It's not self-sacrificing.

I love ministering to lost youth.  I've tried to pour myself into our church's youth ministry for the past 5 years.  But those kids come to me.  I've not gone out to the streets to find them.  I haven't walked into the high schools to introduce them to Jesus.

I guess the question I've been asking myself is "what have I reached out to do lately?"  I was proud of myself the other night because a new girl came to church and I sat next to her.  By the time she left I felt like I'd made a new friend.  I felt like I'd done my Christian duty. 

But God is seriously challenging me: that is not enough.  What have I done to reach my next-door neighbor?  I know his name.  I know he sits on his front porch smoking cigarettes and drinking beer.  He whistles at me sometimes to get my attention if I don't say hello to him.  He's a friendly person and I'll joke around with him when I see him, but we are not friends.

And those people in Wal Mart?  I laugh at them.  We point and make jokes about their crazy hair, or their ridiculous clothes.  When was the last time that it occured to me that maybe the hair and clothes are a cry for attention because no one gives it to them?  No one shows them the kind of love that they've been looking for their whole live.  I HAVE that love.  I've experienced it.  And for all my snobbery and shortcomings in sharing it, that love lives inside of me.

Jesus built his church outside of a building.  He didn't wait on people to come to him.  He went to the people.  He met them at the point of their need.  I'm sure he would have sat with the newcomer at church, but I also bet he would sit on the front porch with my neighbor while my neighbor drinks his beer.  And that girl at Wal Mart with the five facial piercings?  He probably would have asked her name and taken her to lunch.

I read in Blue Like Jazz that a group of kids lived on 3 dollars a day for a month, just so they could understand what real need felt like.  I think I might try that this summer.  I participated in Tom's One Day Without Shoes event a few years ago- so I could empathize with people who have none.  (I put my shoes on when I went to the restroom at the school though because public bathrooms gross me out).  I felt very charitable that day.  But God wants me to go beyond feeling charitable and He wants me to feel real passion for those people.  I don't want to do just enough good to pacify my conscience.  And I don't want to be a do-gooder so that people will think how self sacrificing and loving I am...  I want to be completely over the top in my love for people.  Jesus was the first person to do that well, and He's the only person who can teach me to really love people.

I guess what I'm saying is that God is revealing my selfishness to me, bit by bit.  And I think it's ugly and unattractive.  So my prayer for this summer is that I would start to learn to show my love for God even more on the outside of the church than I do on the inside of the church.  I want to be remade.  I pray sometimes that God would hide me in the cross, and I mean it.  I want ME to disappear, and I want Jesus to be made apparent in the way that I treat people.  I can't think of anything more beautiful than that...