Sleepless tonight... I'm okay with that. There is a good ole' fashioned Oklahoma thunderstorm serenading me at the moment, and I think those circumstances are ideal for "thinking". :)
Really, I should not be thinking. I should be working. Or thinking while I work. Not blogging, however. Blogging should most definitely not have entered the mix tonight. At all. However, I've had a few cups of coffee, which means I'll be up late. Work can wait another thirty minutes or so...
I've been stirred in my spirit since Sunday. On Sunday, we were visited by the founder of SWI: Strategic World Impact. I cried the better part of Sunday morning, and left feeling both refreshed and burdened. An odd mix, I know.
Refreshed: I've been hurting in my heart for the past few months because of uncertainty. Finances, career, preparation for the future, and so much more has been weighing heavily on my heart. I've not been sleeping well lately with the heaviness of it. However, after hearing testimonies of these precious saints about what my brothers and sisters in Christ are suffering overseas, making decisions about finishing my college degree, establishing a bigger savings account, and which career I should pursue suddenly seem far less important. I feel- in a small sense- as if that weight has been lifted a bit. Still important? Yes. Still decisions that must be made? Absolutely! Life and death? Nope.
On the other extreme, I feel a deeper burden than ever before. More of a holy burden, for lack of a better way to describe it. I've been introduced to the reality of what others are suffering.. How dare I sit back, worrying about my bank account, when fellow believers are suffering untold indignities all over the world???
I've been reading the biography of Adoniram Judson this week, and haven't been able to put it down. It's been tearing the heart of me, bringing conviction and frustration. I truly didn't realize how shallow my faith is, nor how self-righteous and pompous it must be to God that I claim to be a "mature" Christian. My prayer life is lacking much. My hunger for the Word of God is shallow. I am not a mature believer at all in comparison with these awesome heroes in the faith.
Judson, literally, sacrificed his life for the sake of the Gospel. He left his homeland with no intention of returning. He buried two wives and several children. He suffered imprisonment, countless illnesses.... For years he saw little fruit of his labors. But the man persisted in what he believed was God's calling. He was blinded to all else. I only pray that God develops that kind of steadfast consecration inside my heart someday!
Next on the reading list: working my way through E.M. Bounds "Complete Work of Prayer". I've decided that my prayer life is decidedly lacking. Right now I feel like my prayer life right now is at the level of "whiner" when it really should be at the level of "intercessor." I'm so thankful for the writings of these steadfast men of God as I learn and grow!
All I can say is that I'm grateful for the grace of my precious Savior as He reveals himself to me, both through His word and through the testimony of others. I pray he continues to cultivate a pure heart within me...
