Cultivating a purer heart...

Sleepless tonight...  I'm okay with that.  There is a good ole' fashioned Oklahoma thunderstorm serenading me at the moment, and I think those circumstances are ideal for "thinking".  :)

Really, I should not be thinking.  I should be working.  Or thinking while I work.  Not blogging, however.  Blogging should most definitely not have entered the mix tonight.  At all.  However, I've had a few cups of coffee, which means I'll be up late.  Work can wait another thirty minutes or so...

I've been stirred in my spirit since Sunday.  On Sunday, we were visited by the founder of SWI: Strategic World Impact.  I cried the better part of Sunday morning, and left feeling both refreshed and burdened.  An odd mix, I know.

Refreshed:  I've been hurting in my heart for the past few months because of uncertainty.  Finances, career, preparation for the future, and so much more has been weighing heavily on my heart.  I've not been sleeping well lately with the heaviness of it.  However, after hearing testimonies of these precious saints about what my brothers and sisters in Christ are suffering overseas, making decisions about finishing my college degree, establishing a bigger savings account, and which career I should pursue suddenly seem far less important.  I feel- in a small sense- as if that weight has been lifted a bit.  Still important?  Yes.  Still decisions that must be made?  Absolutely!  Life and death?  Nope.

On the other extreme, I feel a deeper burden than ever before.  More of a holy burden, for lack of a better way to describe it.  I've been introduced to the reality of what others are suffering..  How dare I sit back, worrying about my bank account, when fellow believers are suffering untold indignities all over the world???

I've been reading the biography of Adoniram Judson this week, and haven't been able to put it down.  It's been tearing the heart of me, bringing conviction and frustration.  I truly didn't realize how shallow my faith is, nor how self-righteous and pompous it must be to God that I claim to be a "mature" Christian.  My prayer life is lacking much.  My hunger for the Word of God is shallow.  I am not a mature believer at all in comparison with these awesome heroes in the faith.

Judson, literally, sacrificed his life for the sake of the Gospel.  He left his homeland with no intention of returning.  He buried two wives and several children.  He suffered imprisonment, countless illnesses....  For years he saw little fruit of his labors.  But the man persisted in what he believed was God's calling.  He was blinded to all else.  I only pray that God develops that kind of steadfast consecration inside my heart someday!

Next on the reading list: working my way through E.M. Bounds "Complete Work of Prayer".  I've decided that my prayer life is decidedly lacking.  Right now I feel like my prayer life right now is at the level of "whiner" when it really should be at the level of "intercessor."  I'm so thankful for the writings of these steadfast men of God as I learn and grow!

All I can say is that I'm grateful for the grace of my precious Savior as He reveals himself to me, both through His word and through the testimony of others.  I pray he continues to cultivate a pure heart within me...

2012...

So many ambitions for the new year!  At the moment I'm really excited about all the projects and plans I've got lined up.  Now to see if the follow-through is as exuberant...

Plan 1:  Marry a very wealthy man (who happens to be incredibly good looking!)
Plan 2:  Become a best selling author.
Plan 3: Be the ultimate trophy wife...

Whoops!!!  Those were the dreams I had last night!


Okay, here's the actual list of goals for 2012:

1. Take photography classes.
2. Take on more DIY projects, and participate in more craft shows.
3. Learn to cook.  Really cook.  I've got baking down pat...  Cooking might take a little extra work.
4. Save, save, save that money!!!  (I'm not sure exactly what I'm saving for, but I'm sure it's something really important!  Maybe that trip to Europe I've been daydreaming about!)

That about sums it up...  I'll keep you posted!!!

Recently...

I'm a terrible blogger!  Actually, I think you're supposed to blog more than 5 or 6 times a year to be considered a "blogger."  I just dabble at blogging  :)

So, my life recently, in a nutshell...

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.  :)  I've been decorating, picture-taking, planning...  But not gift shopping.  Thus far, I've bought one and two halves gifts.  (and by two halves, I mean that I've bought partial presents for two people.)  I'm anticipating a massive shopping effort one day in the next few weeks.

However, the one gift that I purchased was a doozy- my sister is going to be blown away when she opens it!  So I'm pretty sure that counts for something.

God is doing a real work in my life.  He's revealing a lot of selfishness....  Something I'll struggle with until I die, apparently.  I'm learning the value of other people, and doing my best to love them as I'd love myself...

I ordered a new guitar last week!  I'm pretty sure my dreams of becoming a rock star are underway.  Hehe.

I had some wonderful people blow me away with a very special gift yesterday.  It was unexpected, I didn't feel that I deserved it, but it came to me at a perfect time and I'm so very grateful!  God used them to meet a need for me!

Finally, a few pictures to get us in the Christmas mood.  I've been borrowing lots of babies lately- luckily, I've always got people who are willing to lend me their kids to practice on!

My sweet little niece!  Can't believe she's growing up so quickly on me!!!

My OTHER sweet little "niece".  She's such a diva  :)

And yet another "niece".  She was a little ham for the camera- and the camera obviously loves her  :)

Guard your heart...

Carefully.  Diligently.  Obsessively.  Guard your heart.

My Savior is my true love.  I'm enamored with him.  Jesus is my fairy tale- and that is not a trite saying for me..  He truly is the prince of my heart.  I'm committed to loving him, to knowing him, to serving and pleasing Him in all that I say and do.  Not out of routine or duty, but out of a loving heart that vehemently desires to bring joy to the One I love.

And that means guarding my heart against other fascinations.

I'm easily distracted.  Anyone who knows me can tell you that.  I lose focus easily and I forget half of what I knew.  I lose sight of the task at hand and frequently leave projects half-finished, usually because something else has captured my attention.  I fear this habit creeping into my relationship with Christ.

Psalm 19:14  "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, Oh Lord, my rock and my redeemer."
Proverbs 4:23  "Above all else, guard your heart.  For everything you do flows from it."

I have been praying for a greater awareness of what my heart is absorbing.  What am I focusing on- is it beautiful and acceptable to the Lord?  What am I pursuing- is it a goal that God has set before me?  What do I love- does God love it as well?  And finally, is what I'm speaking into the lives of others bringing refreshing and breathing new life?  Because "out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." 

*Note:  What is truly in my heart will be evidenced by my words.  Negativity, anger, frustration, gossip...  these will all flow out of a heart that is not carefully guarded against such things. But a heart full of life will in turn breath life and encouragement.

So...  Lately I've been working on protecting my heart against false loves and false emotions.  I don't want to trade in my sparkling robes worn by the Bride of Christ for the fake glitter and glitz of this world.  I want my heart to be completely His and completely set apart for Him.  What a joy to be His beloved!

My love affair with God...

Sometimes I misinterpret the love of God.  I assume that God's love is like my own.  My love depends on my circumstances, my mood, or my understanding of the other person.  My love is rarely- if ever- entirely selfless.  My love has conditions.  My love puts up barriers and dares others to cross them.  My love is occasionally withheld and used as a bargaining chip.

I assume that God's love is much like mine- and the love of others that I've experienced.  I bring Him to a human level because I can understand human love.  I understand love that wounds, withholds, manipulates, and errs.  I understand love that fails in spite of good intentions...  However, I don't understand the love of God because it does none of those things.

I must admit that the past few months have been a horribly dry season in my spiritual life.  It has not been a bountiful season.  I've been praying, but feel as though I am gaining no ground.  I've been searching the word, but receiving no revelation.  I've been struggling with doubt, fears, and frustration with a God whose ways I adore, but do not understand.  And because human love fails, my first instinct is to assume God's love has failed as well.  I question His choices.  I question His sovereignty.  I question His love and provision.  The faith that I claim flies out the window as I begin to wonder if God is really even paying attention...

However, I believe that God uses these seasons to cultivate faith, commitment, and a quiet sense of trust.  I cannot always have the answers.  I cannot always know the mind and will of God.  I must learn to rest in His arms as He carries me.  I MUST learn to trust that He is working on my behalf, even when I struggle to hear His voice.  I must stop reacting to my feelings and emotions, and learn that perfect love (God's love) casts out fear- I need never worry that His heart is not inclined toward me.  I am safe as long as I am His...  What a perfectly comforting thought!



And on a completely random note:  I have been taking pictures GALORE lately.  Most recent:  Miss Faarah's one year pictures!!!  She's such a sweetie!  Have a look-see at a few of my favorites!